Sorrow and Seeds

Yesterday was the 11th anniversary of my mother’s passing. The time between April 21st and May 3rd are always the hardest for me. My mom’s birthday was the 21st, and 11 years ago, it was also the day she had a small stroke, and learned that she had cancer. 12 days later, she was gone. My youngest son at the time was 11 months old, and I wasn’t sure I could find joy in his first birthday in June. 

When I look back, I see heartbreak, and sadness, but I also see that that was the beginning of the “new normal”… The “normal” that my son has grown up with, is not the “normal” that I ever thought I would allow. For years, I was in a constant state of mourning. First, for my mom… then for a much wanted third pregnancy… then I felt crazy on fertility drugs and missed the very first signs that my son was sick… his diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes, and another mourning period for all he was going to miss… then my older son started experiencing seizures, and again I was mourning for all of his challenges… then then then then… It felt like my husband and I, and our little family were just unraveling. 

When my father passed in October of 2016, my younger son started having trouble at school. By this time I think I was numb. For years, I had been proving to the world that we were fine, or better than fine, because we were overcoming our heartbreaks. But between October and December of 2016, we utterly collapsed. My younger son, who was already exhausted from managing life with T1D, was now diagnosed with OCD. We described it as “Death by a 1,000 Paper Cuts”. 

My little family had hit rock bottom. None of us knew what to do with ourselves. Thank goodness for the caring mental health professionals that showed up. Thank goodness for the real friends that had been on the ride with us for years, helping us fix all of those little wounds to the best of their ability. Thank goodness for the family that refused to give up, and refused to judge.

But now I get to say thank goodness that we hit rock bottom as a family. Because we were able to solidify our team, and plant the seeds for our Chosen New New Normal. I can say that the life we are living now, is because of our choices, not because of our reactions. We choose each day to clean our home with products that are non-toxic. We choose each day to wash our bodies with our Hippie Magic (as my son calls it). We choose each day to adopt an attitude of gratitude that we are able to breathe in fresh air, empowered by the plant magic that helps us. 

Now, we had to plant those seeds pretty deep, and we have had to nourish their soil and be patient and consistent in our care… but now, in 2020, while the rest of the world is facing their biggest challenge, my family is like “it’s not so bad being home together… we got this!”